Facebook, shmacebook

It’s reassuring to know that there are so many good folks out there who passionately despise the online sensation known as Facebook. I wish I’d heard about them four years ago before I foolishly jumped on the bandwagon. Had I resisted the lure of that blue banner, with all its time-wasting games and quizzes, then I’d probably be feeling very smug right about now. To those of you who’ve yet to be sucked in, I say this: avoid setting up an account. Seriously, there are so many things you could be doing right now that are more fulfilling. This social networking malarky is one massive popularity contest. Every time you log on, you’ll be confronted with line after line of your noisiest and most obnoxious contacts going on and on about absolutely sweet FA. Worse still, they insist upon bleating about their pointless little lives using the most execrable grammar. That’s eighteen years of education down the drain.

Let’s not forget, moreover, those doting new parents who replace their profile pictures with a photo of their maggoty newborn offspring. I’m a man – all babies look the bloody same to me! Any man who claims otherwise is obviously under the watchful eye of his shrewish other half. Facebook can also make you feel inadequate when you see photos of your rich acquaintances partying and gurning on a beach in Thailand while you struggle to make ends meet. They indulge in loutish hedonism under a tropical sun and call it ‘travelling’, as if the term lends credibility to their leisure time. Well, it doesn’t, so stop showing off on Facebook, you posh spaz. Seeing that, and the effusive praise heaped upon them by some of their more devoted contacts, breeds resentment. In a sense, then, rather than bring people together, the site can magnify one’s isolation.

I have a strong connection with only a handful of my FB pals and the occasional exchange of witty banter does brighten up my day. But wouldn’t it be so much more fulfilling to do that face to face? If only all of the people I love talking to lived in the same town as I! That would be a dream come true. The temptation to delete my account grows stronger with every week, but that would be a disservice to 70 people. Besides, I’d then lose my magnificent empire in ‘World Domination: Total War’. What a tragedy that would be! That game is pretty much the only reason I log on these days.

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